This photographer wants me to do a wrestling shoot thing. and he’s requiring so much before pictures for fitting. i know, i should be used to this. but it’s gonna be annoying.

Anyway, just a note to myself:

pictures i have to take: 1-flexing, 2- stretching (splits if you can)3- standing (front and back)and 4- laying down looking knocked out (on stomach and back)

That’s blown in by the wind, that carries the clouds to hide my wish on a fallen star

So, I am angry. There was a guy I was talking to. I thought he really liked me, and it got my hopes up. He kept calling me beautiful and all the stuff guys say before they crush your hope. He got back with an ex, which is fine, but stuff like this ALWAYS happens to me.

Which makes me wonder what is wrong with me. I’m always told that i’m so smart and pretty and a good person. Well, if i was, then why the fuck am I so alone, while everyone around me seems to be so happy? I must be horrible somehow. I feel like the compliments people give me are lies these days. I feel like the black sheep of the crowd.

People are accusing me of being lesbian (which is not a bad thing. just not what i am) now. I just really fail at everything. It’s so funny, how I am getting into modeling, and i get stared at and hit on by strangers all the time, but that i am so unhappy. It feels like when things are starting to go right, and when i’m starting to finally find confidence, i get crushed back into the 6 foot deep hole dug for me at birth.

Ughh…i just needed to get that out i guess.

I dont want your remedy!

Love that song! Anyway…

My friendship with Angus seems to be slipping away. It has been bothering me the past month or two, because (even though I always refuse to admit it) I miss my best guy friend. I really am trying to hide that fact, because the kid just got a girlfriend, and I dont want him to misunderstand and think it’s because I’m jealous.

I mean, Fim and I are barely friends anymore, and I’m already pretty torn up about that. I really have got to figure out a way to save our friendship. I always say I dont need people, but I really do need Ang. He’s similar to a burst of sunshine, always pulling me out when I sink too far down into my pain.

But I feel like I’m an annoyance to him now, a burden. I feel inadequate, and dumb, and unimportant. I’m torn as to what to do. If I am such a pain in the ass to him, then the right thing to do would be to just let it fall apart, since he doesn’t deserve to put up with someone like me. I’d rather the kid be happy, or at least not annoyed, then for me to be selfish.

It sucks. I tried to tell him that I feel like a burden and want to fix things last night, but I couldn’t get it out right, and he really didn’t understand. I eventually got frustrated with myself, and told him to forget that I ever even said anything. He obliged.

I think he thought I was angry with him. I wasnt. I am angry with myself. He tried to tell me I wasn’t a pest to him, but when every reply he makes is “whatever”, I know that is a white lie. I would understand completely if he wished to end our friendship. Afterall, I’m probably a shitty friend.

I only wish I could find happiness without fucking with other people’s lives. I cant seem to ever make others happy, and it really hurts to know that on a daily basis…

Holy SHIT. Warped tour was crazy.

I first saw Devil Wears Prada because Jeremy wanted to see it. The crowd was way too crazy, and everyone was squished so tight that people couldn’t breathe. Audrey, Cameron, and Jeremy lost their sandals. Haley and I wore sneakers, so we didn’t have the same problem.

 Also,like 150 people in the crowd all fell on the ground, including me, because I was in a bad spot, and was literally off the ground anyway. my leg landed on a pair of broken sunglasses, and some fat drunk guy landed on my leg, thus cutting it up. I screamed at the guy to “GET THE FUCK OFF ME” and I hit him, but he was too drunk to even attempt it.

So the crowd pulled me out from under him (and a few asked me if i was okay, which was cool), and the pressure resumed, and I was pushed so hard I was off the ground.

I had to fight to get out of the crowd, and prolly ran through 5 mosh pits. One kid ran into me, and I had to push him away. And before the guy ran into me, the blood on my leg was running down. Afterward, it was clean.

So I look back, and the kid has my blood all over his neon yellow pants. I laughed. The cut wasn’t even that bad after I cleaned it up, but today the bruising sucked. Afterward, a cute guy on the 89X street team hit on me. It was super funny.

After that I saw hit the lights. They were pretty good, and I never heard of them. Then Audrey wanted to get lunch, even though I told her we had to see Bayside. So she made me miss my favorite band playing, and I was furious.

 I ended up going to get a bandshirt signed by them, and they were pretty cool, and I got a poster for Audrey. And I also managed to see InnerPartySystem because they played right after Bayside, and I was at the wrong stage (there are two hurley stages). They were AWESOME live.

After that we watched more concerts like All Time Low (lead singer got hit with a banana, and he made us laugh so hard, so he was awesome), Every Avenue, and The Maine.

I was super tired and sore at this point, but we had to wait for 3OH3 to play. I ran into Alicia and Kayla in the meantime, and we had a good time waiting. We finally saw them play, and it was crazy fun. They got the crowd to sing along perfectly. I was super happy.

After the concert, i realized I was covered in everyone elses sweet. Which was super gross, since there were a shit load of whores and gross people there. I actually got dissed by some fat scene whores while waiting for 3OH3.

I was checking my makeup and sunburn on my phone, and they are behind me, and are like “nice face” and i turn around, and say “yeah, unlike yours”.I dont think they heard me though, they were too busy snickering. Lipstick on a pig doesn’t impress me.

Anyway, we rode home, got taco bell, and I took a shower and went to bed. And I’m wearing the band tee, which is officially the COOLEST tee I have haha. And now I’m super sore. And my leg hurts, cause it’s all bruised up. But it’s fine I guess.

So that was my warped tour experience!

That’s what my mom will be put on, if she cant get in shape. Type 2 diabetes. Her weakness is sugary soda…all the time. So she asked me for help, because i’ve always been the healthy one in the family. So i took her soda and dumped it down the drain, and i’m going to have to workout with her now.

I was always healthy, because diseases related to weight run high in my genes and in my family. There is a fifty percent chance I have PKD, which is aggravated by poor diet and weight gain, supposedly. And that can be deadly, which scares me. Knowing my mom will require a life threatening surgery in a few years, I will try to avoid it as long as possible. Which also means I will never be able to have kids, without severely damaging my health, and passing on the bad genes to them. So I eat, and when i’m older, i will have to permanetely get my tubes tied. Fun stuff….

I do hope I can help my mom before it’s too late though. Anyway…

I got a brace for my hand. The woman who did my x-ray remarked on my hands, saying i had extremely long fingers. The brace is large and unsightly. Lovely.

That is all for now

I went to the doctor today. It wasn’t my joint, sticking out. Supposedly, i damaged my tendons in my entire hand, which caused my problem with finger bending. Not only that, but the nerve damage caused what they call a cyst near my joint. Basically, I have to wear a hand brace for a month or so, and they will inject somthing straight into the joint of my hand. Lovely. Supposedly it will be painful, even with the numbing.

I also found out some enlightening information on someone in my past, who I looked up to when I was a kid. She was a very, very twisted person, and back then, my naive self was caught up in a series of twisted lies I knew nothing about, because of her and her father. It put me in a direct line of danger, and I suffer injuries (physical) because of it. I guess she was very cruel to me.

She was an old taekwondo instructor (there were many, and they tend to claim people to teach.), who I shouldn’t have ever followed. She had such a vendetta against her father (head instructor), that it really twisted who she was. A fight for power, I guess. It involved many pawns, and after I proved to be useless to her, her father decided to teach me instead. And it got me alot of heat. Others planned to hurt me to the point where I’d give up fighting (which would mean so badly, that i’d not recover). And I’d be forced to fight regardless. It was a dog fight, really. And knowing all I know about it now, it was a lie.

Anyway, I found out some critical information about who she was, before she turned into a monster. She was…exactly like me. And felt exactly like I do. It’s uncomfortable, and hard to take. I dont want to hurt people like she did. She put her own father in jail for a crime he did not commit. My mother came across some old vents she typed out when she was a bit younger then me. It was odd. It felt like it was somthing I’d write myself. Except she was so much darker even then. Ughh….It makes me feel sick….

So I’ve liked this one kid for a while now. And today, I can finally say I am overrr it. Which makes me very happy, because once again, I get to avoid a ton of bullshit.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS =D

I’m still applying for jobs. I applied to a petshop and a pizza place yesterday, and am filling out an application for a music shop. The guy who works at the music shop was cuuuuteee haha. Oh well. I truly doubt I’d get that job, but it is worth a shot, since I like music.

Talked to an old friend today on the phone. I love her to death, but she’s the one kid I know who can talk her head off! I mean, dear god! I’m surpised she hasn’t lost her voice yet. She’s still pretty cool though.

I may still be able to go to warped tour! We managed to save the money, so I am excited. Basyide and Saosin are two of my favorite bands, and I’ve always been able to relate to the lyrics. I hope bayside plays “blame it on bad luck”. Best. Song. Ever. Or the walking wounded would be awesome too.

There is still somthing I feel, is missing for me. I’m starting to realize, it wasn’t being alone that got to me. I need to DO somthing for people. I talked to my dad one time, and he mentioned how he always wanted to be the hero. Not for the glory, but to be able to change things. I’ve always known this was a drive deep down inside my soul, that I want to change things. People are telling me I could be great. An actress or model. But fuck fame or fortune. I think, I’m starting to be happy, knowing I’m throwing it away, for my dream to be a helicopter pilot in the army. I’ve been studying a bit on aviation, and it’s making me slightly happier.

Lastly, the joint is still sticking out of my ring finger. Ow. I’m going to go to the doctor tomorrow, because i’d rather not have it heal badly, like my knee did.

Anyway, i’m ending this before it gets any longer.

Move west down ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
All the good girls are home with broken hearts

I was listening to Free Fallin’ cover by John Mayer

And this verse, caught my attention. I am wide awake, unable to sleep (I have always been the night owl). Anyway, The last part really struck me. Why are the good girls always alone, or hurt? Same with the good guys. It seems they are overshadowed, and ignored. And the bad seeds always win out in the end. I’m wondering, because whenever someone is bad, it usually makes them physically repulsive to me.

I must be different. I do crush on the ones I know will hurt me, but I am so hidden behind my walls, that I never get burned. I’m alone because I’m afraid. But others, I see them give it all, and get burned by some jerk who never deserved them. I see it happen so often, as I tend to be the friend who sits by and listens to it all, when I know that I’ll never really relate, because i’m alone, and will probably be that way forever, despite my personal wishes. Anyway..

I sit by and watch girls describe their “perfect” guy with some huge long ass list, and then they go and find a guy who fits the shallow qualities, and find out Mr. Perfect is a jerk, and get fucked over. I feel sad for them, but i wonder if those standards are keeping out Mr. Right for the girl. What happens if the girl likes blonde guys, and her perfect match is brunette, so she chooses blonde jerk over him? I know, this is an extreme comparison, but i see that happens too. I’m a hypocrite, because i know i can be shallow as well.

But, here is how my “perfect” guy would be.

Physical:

-Taller then me.

-Someone I find attractive.

Emotional.

-Someone who I can relate to.

-Ambitious and driven

-Someone who brings out the good in me

-Someone who cares about me.

-Imaginative and someone who i can learn from.

Short list, I know. But these days, I dont give a fuck about Mr. Perfect. I’d rather have Mr. Right For Me.

Anyway, goodnight.